Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

by

Copyright © NLA-I

Pamphlet 10: Abuse Based on Age

What is "age-ism"?

Age-ism is the chronic discrimination of a person because they are younger or older than someone else or a group of others. It is much like racism or class-ism. In the United States, the media still abounds with images of what our ideal age range "should be." Motion pictures rarely, if ever, feature a very old leading lady as the sexy diva, an older man as the perfect choice for rock climbing, a very young man as a person of self-control or a young woman as the epitome of great intellect. Although there has been increased awareness and some legislative improvement, there is still very little literature that exists which actually affirms individuals of different ages as having the same range of skills or value as their counterparts. There is also a false assumption that those who are older have less sexual drive than younger people. Sexual libido/activity is not related to a person's age.

Many people within the BDSM community have the misconception that someone who is younger cannot be a Dominant, Mistress, Master or Daddy, or that someone older will not make a good submissive or bottom because they are too "set in their ways." This is not necessarily true. Each person is an individual and has their own identity, preferences and needs. Negotiate with new partners to determine their identity and interests – do not assume them. There is also no reason why adults of extreme age differences cannot be partnered or enjoy each other sexually or physically. No one deserves to receive discrimination, abuse or ridicule in any form, and no judgment should be made about what is right or wrong for consenting adults that do not seek to harm anyone.

It should be noted that within the U.S. there are legal statutes for what constitutes adulthood and most (if not all) BDSM organizations adhere to these rules to determine their own age of consent.

What is considered abusive age-ism behavior?

Since mainstream society is still not fully accepting of extreme age differences in partnerships or the very young or elderly in general, moral and social judgments and discrimination are still commonplace. Abuse and domestic violence within BDSM relationships are frequently overlooked, discounted, tolerated or accepted because there appears to be no public support or there is the fear of "outing" or of being "outed." Abusive behaviors towards the elderly and to young adults often comes in the form of restricted support, exclusion, invalidation or restriction on their contributions or involvement. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as "to use wrongly or improperly" and "to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way." Abuse can and does occur to the young and old alike, and if the partners are or have been intimates, then it is considered domestic violence. In either case each party should get help quickly.

What does abuse based on age look like?

• coercion, threats or demands that someone do things they do not want to in exchange for accepting or tolerating their age
• ridicule or criticism of age, wisdom, maturity level, etc.; telling them they are "too young to get it," "over the hill," "past their prime," "not mentally ready/able to understand what's being said," etc.
• continuous talk about how "so-and-so" is prettier or more handsome because they are younger, sexier, have less sags, are more agile, are perkier, have more stamina, are more controlled in their physical desires, etc.
• refusal to touch or caress areas that "disgust them"
• taunts or threats to non-consensually abandon or punish if their exuberance, energy or lack of energy are not altered; threats or acts of intentional betrayal with a person in an opposite age range in an effort to harm
• physical abuse, damage to medical equipment, blackmail, repeated verbal assaults, chronic belittling, etc.
• foregoing or refusing to participate in needed safety requirements (like no kneeling for arthritic knees or a bad back, overexposure to novices without appropriate debriefs or aftercare, etc.)
• intentionally withholding promised support, food, medications, transportation, telephone access, etc. without renegotiating first
• treating or calling someone "stupid" just because they are of a different generation and did not have the same life experiences

If you think you may be in an abusive BDSM relationship:
You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a BDSM sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list (www.bannon.com/~race/kap) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

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Abuse can and does happen to anyone and it is not okay.