Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

by

Copyright © NLA-I

Pamphlet 7: Considerations for Submissives

Distinguishing abuse to and with these individuals:

What is a healthy submissive?

A submissive is a person of any race, sexual orientation, gender, ethnicity, etc. that seeks to serve and/or give some measure of control over themselves to a counterpart, usually a Dominant, Mistress, Master or Daddy. Submissives often enjoy submitting their will or power to another trusted individual interested in receiving (or taking) it within this consensual power exchange. A submissive may prefer to remain alone, giving of themselves in more community-oriented ways, they may decide to run for a leather "title" so that they can be "in service" to their community or they may just submit themselves to internal desires that compel them to write or teach or create art. Many submissives learn things of interest to them or that might increase their value to a potential dominant partner like boot-blacking, leather care, formal table or valet service or sometimes they may try and learn ways to expand their ability to submit and/or their tolerance for pain, if that is what they are into.

Some people within the BDSM community have the misconception that submissives want to relinquish power to a dominant partner because they cannot handle that power, because their life does not work when they are in control of it or because they are passive or weak. A healthy submissive is usually none of these things. They are someone whose life actually works well; they have good relationships with their friends, make appropriate safety and partnering choices for themselves and can operate independently with a high level of self-sufficiency. Many submissives are very careful about whom they choose to become involved with because they believe their submission is valuable and they want to safeguard themselves against abuse or maltreatment.

Healthy submissives will take the time to learn good negotiation skills, seek to stop behaving within old patterns/paradigms that may be left over from childhood or past hurts, will take responsibility for their mistakes and practice healthy conflict/resolution skills. They will also take their time getting to know someone before they trust them, will be honest about their concerns and will not need to manipulate someone to get their needs met. They will seek relationships that are win-win.

What is considered abuse to or with a submissive?

Since many people who identify as submissives are engaged within a consensual power exchange, it may be more difficult to discern abuse. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as "to use wrongly or improperly" and "to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way." Abuse and domestic violence within BDSM relationships, especially D/s (dominant/submissive) ones, are frequently overlooked, discounted, tolerated or accepted because there appears to be no public support or there is the fear of "outing" or of being "outed" about their BDSM interests. Abuse of submissives often comes in the form of restricted activities and friendships, isolation, inappropriate or harmful punishments, invalidation or restriction on their contributions or involvement, etc. Abuse can and does occur to submissives, even by other submissives, and if the partners are or have been intimates, then it is considered domestic violence. In either case each party should get help quickly.

What does abuse towards a submissive look like?

• coercion, threats or demands that they do things they do not want to agree to or demands that they give over more control than they are comfortable with or at a pace that feels wrong to them
• refusal to provide for the submissive's needs, combined with refusal to allow anyone else to fill them or refusing to allow the submissive to renegotiate to get their needs met outside of the relationship
• non-consensual control, dominance or abuse of the submissive's children, or making demands that go against the maternal or paternal responsibilities the submissive may have; restricting access to children as a way to punish
• harm or non-consensual control of the submissive's pets, belongings or their own submissives (when the submissive is a switch and has others in service to them)
• prevention, interruption or refusal of medical attention, emotional healing, therapy, religious counseling, spiritual advisement or professional support when needed
• physical abuse, blackmail, repeated verbal assaults, chronic belittling, refusal to adhere to safety practices as negotiated or refusing to allow renegotiation when the submissive needs it, etc.
• threats or acts to expose lifestyle to co-workers, vanilla family members or children
• forcing, manipulating, coercing, demanding or bribing the submissive to have sex or provide service to anyone or in any way that violates agreements or previous negotiations
• negotiating someone into agreements without their full informed consent, especially long-term contracts with newcomers; manipulating someone into financial or emotional dependence without taking precautions should conflict occur or the need to leave arise
• giving a submissive drugs, alcohol or other substances to elicit or affect their consent

If you think you may be in an abusive BDSM relationship:
You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a BDSM sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list (www.bannon.com/~race/kap) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

Back to NLA-I's Table of Contents

Abuse can and does happen to anyone and it is not okay.