Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

by

Copyright © NLA-I

Pamphlet 6: Considerations for Transgender/Transsexuals

Distinguishing abuse to and with these individuals:

What are healthy Transgender/Transsexual ("Trans") relationships?

A transgendered or transsexual person is one who is or has been in some form of transition from one gender to another or seeks to remain somewhere between them. They may or may not seek surgical reassignment and may complete part or all of a transition as they desire or see fit. A trans person may have breasts, a penis or a vagina or not, or any combination thereof. They may seek legal recognition of their sexual identity or they may decide not to. Sexual identity is not related to sexual orientation, nor is it related to gender assignment at birth.

Each trans person gets to decide for themselves what their level of disclosure will be and with whom, as well as the timing of it. New romantic or sexual encounters, partnerships or marriages are formed or created after some level of disclosure has been made about the trans-person's transition. These commitments are often made only after a full disclosure has been made and where the full implications and considerations can be examined by each committing party. This is called "informed consent."

Anyone who identifies as a trans person is entitled to the same safety and peace of mind considerations that any other individual receives. Trans persons do not deserve to receive discrimination, abuse or ridicule in any form.

What is considered abusive to or with a Trans person?

Since mainstream society is still just becoming aware of who and what transgenderism and transsexualism is, fear, moral or social judgments and discrimination are still commonplace. Due to the lack of education and awareness, abuse and domestic violence are frequently overlooked, discounted or tolerated. When given an opportunity to engage or relate to and with a trans person, care must be taken not to perpetuate institutionalized discrimination and shame based philosophies. Abusive behaviors towards trans persons often come in the form of chronic criticism, belittling and demeaning, isolation, violence and/or severe restriction on their contributions or inclusion. These individuals often find themselves invalidated for their gender authenticity and/or denied their right to participate in gender specific activities or events. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as "to use wrongly or improperly" and "to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way." When one partner coerces, manipulates, bribes or threatens another to agree to do something they don't want, or abandon something that is important to them (like transitioning), it can be assumed that the relationship is abusive and, if the partners are or have been intimates, then it is considered domestic violence. In either case each party should get help quickly.

What does abuse towards a Trans person look like?

• coercion, threats or demands that someone delay, postpone or abandon their pursuit of transitioning from one sex to another
• ridicule or criticism of physical changes, choice of clothing, mannerisms, body style, etc.
• continuous talk about how "so-and-so" is prettier, more feminine, more handsome, more masculine, more male or more female, etc.
• intentional disruption or denial of medical or clinical support, access to chemical treatments, prosthesis, right gender clothing, withholding of shared resources or support, etc.
• threats to expose personal or transitional details to friends, family, spouses, children, employers, landlords, police, etc.
• manipulating, coercing, bribing, or forcing someone to act outside of their gender identity during outings, holidays, company parties, family visits, etc.
• physical abuse, damage to gender related clothing/accessories/prosthesis, physical abandonment to dangerous people or unsafe areas of town, repeated verbal assaults, etc.
• chronic refusal to adjust pronouns and gender references, especially in their presence
• references that the trans person will never really be their gender "biologically"

If you think you may be in an abusive BDSM relationship:
You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a BDSM sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list (www.bannon.com/~race/kap) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

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Abuse can and does happen to anyone and it is not okay.