Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

by

Copyright © NLA-I

Pamphlet 4: Master/slave Considerations

Distinguishing abuse in these special types of relationships:

What is a healthy Master/slave ("M/s") relationship?

A Master/slave relationship is one where the dominant person or persons has agreed to take on or claims the ownership rights (to any degree) of another or others. Each partner agrees to the level, type and style of ownership, as well as the limitations of it. It is hoped that each participant gives this agreement only after they are informed or knowledgeable about what it actually means. This is called "informed consent."

In healthy M/s relationships this agreement fuels each participant's overall individual and mutual happiness and personal interpretation of well-being. Human ownership is not legally recognized within any country worldwide and thusly one person cannot own another (within the BDSM context) without their agreement.

A good Master or Mistress usually wants to protect and safeguard their property and will often go to great lengths to ensure the safety of those in their care. Mistresses or Masters will frequently seek to increase the value of a slave by teaching them service, focus, discipline, technique or endurance skills. A good Owner is one who prevents harm rather than causing it. A good slave is one who seeks to keep their agreements with a healthy Owner.

What is abuse within a Master/Mistress/slave relationship?

Since some M/s relationships do not use "safe words" as a way to distinguish their level of agreement, they will likely be very careful in their approach to any commitments so that trust might be built over time, ensuring the ongoing safety and health of the participants. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines abuse as "to use wrongly or improperly" and "to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way." When one partner coerces, manipulates, bribes or threatens another to agree to something, especially something as potentially volatile and intense as ownership, it might be assumed that the relationships is abusive and, if the partners are or have been intimates, then it may be considered domestic violence. In either case both parties should get help quickly.

What does abusive Ownership look like?

If you have lingering feelings that "this isn't right" or that "something is wrong with this picture" then there is cause for further consideration. It may not be abuse, but it is important to listen to your internal alarms and explore areas of concern. You may notice the following

• requirements of large or increasing amounts of control too quickly or too early on
• safeguards are not set or maintained
• health care is refused when needed
• control extends beyond agreed upon areas like work, school or parenting
• activities that reduce self-esteem for more than a day or two are forced or repeated
• repeated threats are made to abandon partner or expose lifestyle to the police
• extreme mismanagement of items, affects or resources in either party's care
• being coerced into taking on or giving up more control than is comfortable/feels safe
• being ridiculed without appropriate safeguards and/or aftercare
• consistent denial of downtime or rest for periods longer than a day or two
• physical activities that create permanent harm like broken bones, transference of disease, injuries requiring stitches, surgery, etc.
• failure to notice or heed psychological warning signs like thoughts or attempts at suicide, depression, withdrawal, violence at self or others, drug or alcohol abuse, etc.

If you think you may be in an abusive BDSM relationship:
You may feel that no one will understand what you are going through. You may feel alone. Look up a BDSM sensitive therapist on-line through the KINK-Aware Professionals list (www.bannon.com/~race/kap) and get help. You do not deserve to be abused and you cannot prevent it with more control or better service. Abuse and Domestic Violence can occur even in well-negotiated relationships to bottoms and tops alike and it is not okay. Get help.

Trust your instincts. Make a plan. Get help so you can get out.

Back to NLA-I's Table of Contents

Abuse can and does happen to anyone and it is not okay.