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BD/SM vs. ABUSE

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

Abuse is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of domineering, coercing, or isolating another against his or her consent. Abuse may consist of physical, sexual, and/or emotional acts.

When it occurs in a relationship, abuse may follow a cycle of abusive behavior, making up, a build-up of tensions, and then an eruption of more abusive behavior.

Frequently, there is a pattern of denial by both the abuser and the abused.

BY CONTRAST

BD/SM and S/M are consensual activity (the consent being freely given, mutually, and without duress), using some combination of psychological dominance and submission, physical bondage, pain, and related practices to experience erotic arousal, emotional intimacy, and personal growth.

The core values of the BD/SM community are "Safe, Sane, and Consensual." In a nutshell, these mean:

• Safe .. being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns, physical and mental, of what you are doing.
• Sane .. knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, and acting accordingly.
• Consensual .. mutual agreement as to what activities are acceptable and what activities are off-limits, and respecting those boundaries, plus a safety value such as a safe word or safe gesture that the bottom (or the top, in some instances) can use to call for an end to the scene.

MORE ABOUT THE CONTRAST

Abuse an out-of-control situation, and when physical violence erupts, it is often done in a state of rage. BD/SM scenes are controlled situations.

In abuse, the abused person cannot stop what is happening. In BD/SM, the bottom or submissive has a safe word allowing him or her to stop the scene at any time for physical or emotional reasons.

In abuse, no consent is asked for. BD/SM, on the other hand, is based on freely given consent.

In abuse, the abuser's motivation is control and disempowerment of the abused person against his or her will. The abuser's repertoire may include violence, threats, put-downs, and/or manipulation. No concern is given to the needs, desires, and boundaries of the abused person.

By contrast, the motivation in BD/SM is to achieve mutual gratification in the form of erotic arousal, emotional intimacy, or personal growth. Often the goal is to achieve all three. Thus, the parties in a BD/SM scene are concerned about each others' needs, desires, and boundaries.

ARE YOU IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

You may be in an abusive relationship. Ask yourself if your current partner has done any or some combination of the following:

• Does your partner constantly criticize you, humiliate you (outside of a consensual BD/SM scene), and generally undermine your self-esteem?
• Does your partner call you names or yell at you?
• Does your partner ridicule your most valued beliefs or your religion, race, intelligence, education, class, or sexual preferences?
• Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or social groups?
• Has your partner driven away your friends or family?
• Has your partner prohibited you from taking part in social events or activities?
• Has your partner taken away your car keys or your money?
• Has your partner destroyed any of your personal property?
• Has your partner ever threatened your pets with harm or abused your pets to hurt you?
• Has your partner ever threatened to commit suicide if you leave?
• Has your partner subjected you to reckless driving?
• Does your partner withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment?
• Does your partner manipulate you with lies?
• Has your partner ever stolen from you (including repeated borrowing without paying you back) or run up debts for which you are financially responsible?
• Do you feel trapped in the relationship?
• Does your partner have a Jekyll and Hyde personality?
• Has your partner ever thrown objects at you?
• Has your partner ever broken or struck objects during an argument?
• Does your partner subject you to jealousy and unfounded accusations about your relationships with other people?
• Has your partner punched, shoved, slapped, bitten, choked, kicked, or otherwise physically hurt you (outside of a consensual BD/SM scene)?
• Has your partner ever restrained you against your will or locked you in a room against your will?
• Has your partner ever raped you or subjected you to other violent or degrading non-consensual sexual acts?

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to know:

The abuse is not your fault.

You don't deserve to be abused.

You can't change the person who is abusing you.

Staying in the relationship won't stop the abuse.

Over time, the abuse always gets worse.

If you stay, you need to make a plan to keep yourself safe when the abuse starts again.

If you are in an abusive relationship, find a friend or relative you can trust and tell him or her about it. Call your local community center or contact a national organization that can link you to a local affiliate.