A Feature Article from the Archives of
The D/s Times

Abuse: A Common Link?

An Insightful Look at a Serious Issue in D/s Relationships
by Lord Colm and jade

Is There a Connection?

For some time, we've grown more and more curious about the number of submissives who contact us and relate an all-too-common story. The connecting link is past abuse in their lives. Over and over again, we share our support in e-mail and online chats with women (and occasionally a man or two) who are struggling with issues arising from events in their past that are creating real havoc in their relationships of the present. Many are too embarrassed to bare their souls to the world by sharing their stories with friends or the ones they love. This phenomenon has cause us to scratch our heads and wonder if there is a connection between submission and an abusive past.

Lord Colm's View

From time to time I receive requests for assistance from dominants who find themselves frustrated and at a loss about how to deal with a submissive who has been the victim of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. I can empathize with their concerns, since I found myself in just such a situation when Jade and I decided to make the transition from friends to lovers.

I recall a conversation that we had very early on. She told me I needed to know that there ghosts in her past that would come to haunt her at unpredictable times. Without going into much detail, she warned me that her behavior might be unpredictable when specters of her past came calling. I was curious, naturally, but sensed that it was not yet the time to press her for details. I knew this woman, and trusted that when the time was right, she would reveal her trauma. I reassured her and left it at that.

It wasn't long before I had the opportunity to come face to face with the apparition that dwelled in the deepest recesses of her soul.

One evening I said something to her that seemed innocuous enough, but suddenly her face clouded over, she stood up and walked to the nearest wall, plopped herself down and peered back over her shoulder with a look such that I had never seen; a confusing mixture of anger, hurt, sorrow and fear. I was bewildered, searching for the connection between what I had said and this dramatic response.

Ghosts

In time, Jade gathered the courage to reveal to me the domestic abuse she had suffered at the hands of a partner. In the years that passed between then and now she has come to understand much about what kept her in such an unhealthy relationship. She discovered her submission, and that shed much light on why she had remained with him.

The issue that faced us was how it would affect our relationship. As someone with the purest of submissive hearts, her need to trust and surrender control to me was overshadowed by the hurt she had suffered when she had done so before. It caused her to behave in ways that we both knew were counterproductive to building our relationship. I had a choice. I could get angry at her reluctance to open up to me, her master, and punish her. I could ignore the situation in hopes that it would go away. I also could have simply decided that the effort wasn't worth it and moved on. As much as I care for her, none of these options were acceptable. I was in this for the long haul and wasn't about to let the best thing that ever happened to me slip away. I chose instead to chip away at the barriers she had erected around herself and to help her face her past and vanquish the ghosts that lurked there.

Trust is at the heart of the issue. Those who have been abused will probably find it very difficult to be vulnerable to another. Where they have had their control wrenched from them involuntarily, they will naturally hold onto it very tightly. I used this understanding to guide my actions. In every action and deed, I had to show her I was worthy of her trust, and that I would not abuse her vulnerabilities. Rather than punish her for her struggles, I gently encouraged her to open up and speak about what was going on in her heart and mind. I offered her tools to help her find alternative ways of dealing with the pain. Early on, I realized that she was unwilling to communicate to me that she was in crisis, so I gave her a simple, non-threatening phrase that she could use to let me know: "Master, I'm struggling right now and I'm not able to talk about it." Think of it as an emotional safeword. When she did use it, I understood that it was time for me to be nurturing and supportive, to not press her. To help replace her negative thoughts with constructive ones, I gave her other tools, too. These techniques worked wonders. I let her know that I wasn't going to abandon her simply because she had failed to please me on occasion. I reassured her, encouraged her to share her burdens with me and not attempt to carry them alone.

Like so many who have been traumatized in these ways, there were issues of self-esteem that needed to be addressed. I was careful not to intentionally set her up for failure, but gave her small physical and emotional tasks that she could fulfill with relative ease and I praised her successes. Over time she grew. With patience, love, support, understanding and encouragement, she felt comfortable in the safe environment I had created for her. We continued to build our relationship on the foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect. My tenacity would not let her retreat. Oh, there were times when she would grab back something that she had previously surrendered, but that showed me she had not been quite ready to hand it to me completely, so we took a step back and worked on those issues. One step, one issue at a time. I couldn't wave my magic crop and erase her past, but I could guide her gently forward.

With each new success, she bloomed a little more fully until one day we took a moment and stopped by the side of the road of our journey to look back at how far we had come together. At some point along the way the ghosts had vanished, unable to remain in the light of exposure, and she was free from their destructive influence. Where she had been timid and reserved with her deepest feelings, now she expressed them openly. Where she had previously thought herself unworthy of love, she now basked in the warmth of a loving and protective Master, able to give of herself completely with a trust she never dreamed possible. She could once again be vulnerable, safe in the knowledge that her Master saw this not as a weakness, but as a strength. As we sat there silently looking back, each counting the milestones we had passed together, we realized that we had, indeed, traveled a very long way.

Jade's View

As a former victim of domestic abuse I had to do a lot of soul searching a long time ago to determine my own feelings about my submissive nature and the abuse I discovered in a previous relationship. In my case, the abuse was not a factor in my submissiveness but my submission was a factor in continuing to tolerate an unhealthy relationship To explain that more fully, I have come to learn that my submissive nature existed within me long before I encountered abuse.