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Bible According to Kids

The following Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).

  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off..
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree..
  • Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears..
  • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night..
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals..
  • Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah..
  • Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles..
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients..
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert..
  • Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten amendments..
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple..
  • The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery.".
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada..
  • Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol..
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him..
  • David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times..
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines..
  • When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta..
  • Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager..
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption..
  • St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head..
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you..
  • He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone.".
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance..
  • The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels..
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles..
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan..
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage..
  • A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.