From the Montreal Comedy Festival
(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me, and let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse."
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat."
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. "
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."